Student Al Koholik: “I did not come to class because when I woke up, I was still drunk from the night before.”
Cranky Professor: “Sorry, but that is not an excused absence. In addition, you had a paper due, which is now three days late.”
A.K.: “But I was still drunk. If I came to class, I would have had to drive drunk what about next weekend?!”
C.P.: “You make it sound as if this excuse is one you plan to use a great deal this summer session.”
A.K.: “Well, it IS summer, and I like to party…plus, my broheims have this totally awesome Shore house with a kegerator. If I leave before 3 AM, I’ll miss the good parts of the party, but if I stay, I get too drunk to come back in time for class.”
C.P.: “Perhaps it might be a good idea to not go to the Shore and get blind, falling over, ralphing-down-your-shirt drunk on a school night, thus ensuring that you can make it to class. Class is only one day a week. If you could restrain yourself for one night, you might manage to pass the course– or not crater your GPA.”
A.K.: “What if I go to Campus Counseling and have them certify that I actually have a disease. Like, say I’m an alcoholic. Will calling out drunk be an excused absence then?”
C.P.: “Are you fu.., sh…., uh, kidding me? Are you serious?”
A.K.: “Hell, yeah! Will it get me out of classes and papers?”
C.P.: “Get out of my office and go see your advisor. Explain this harebrained scheme to him. Right now.”
*Exeunt Student Al Koholik*
*Cranky Professor lays her head down on her desk and weeps*
A Senator in the making.
By: Glen Weaver on 06/29/2009
at 4:36 PM
Good GOD! How do you resist slapping the living crap out of such a creature?!?
By: Carteach0 on 06/29/2009
at 4:50 PM
It sounds like many of your students could head from your classroom to my ER and fit right in.
By: Second Shift on 06/29/2009
at 5:01 PM
Well, he’s honest. Stupid, but honest.
Ask a dumb question, but the lake is across the state from your college–what’s the shore? Why not go by the ocean?
By: williamthecoroner on 06/29/2009
at 5:23 PM
What we all should be able to say in these circumstances:
“Al, sweetie, drop the class. You’re already going to fail.”
What most of us are allowed to say:
“Here’s the number and address for the Counseling Center. Good luck!”
In the former, we actually have the power to intervene in the student’s best educational interest.
Yet the latter is the standard, suggested response because Snowflake will accuse us of being “biast” (sic) in course evals if they manage to stay enrolled and epicfail.
By: Cassandra on 06/29/2009
at 6:05 PM
LOL, so effing creative!
By: Bardiac on 06/29/2009
at 6:30 PM
I would love to know what he was like in high school.
When my boys came home for the summer and looked up old classmates…the “A” students were the ones that went wild once they got away to college.
Sadly, if they put as much effort into actually studying as they do making up schemes, they would probably pass.
By: ohn on 06/29/2009
at 6:33 PM
Ah, but in PA, they go, “Downa Shore.” The Jersey seashore is always “The Shore.” In this case, the stoners/college drinkers go to Wildwood to act like buttheads.
By: crankylitprof on 06/29/2009
at 6:41 PM
I weep for the future…
By: lynnpricewrites on 06/29/2009
at 7:12 PM
Oh. My. God… HOW do you put up with these idjits???
By: Old NFO on 06/29/2009
at 8:09 PM
I hate to add a comment when I’m just saying “What HE said” (While pointing up), but yes. What Old NFO said.
By: Epijunky on 06/29/2009
at 9:08 PM
You know the baton Stallone borrowed in “Demolition Man”? I have half a mind to make something like that work, specifically for situations like this. What a waste of a valuable classroom seat.
Jim
By: Jim on 06/29/2009
at 10:00 PM
And yet another reason why guns will NEVER be allowed on campus. It would be too easy to put that moron out of his misery.
By: shooter on 06/29/2009
at 10:15 PM
At least you can rest assured that your painful situations are entertaining much of the time.
By: xenocles on 06/29/2009
at 10:35 PM
The scenario ended a bit early… what inquiring minds want to know is, will The Advisor encourage Al Koholik’s harebrained scheme? Wow… a Disability. Sounds like this kid knows how to work the angles already: if you get certified with a Disability, you get all sorts of perks.
By: DrBenway on 06/30/2009
at 7:59 AM
The only thing preventing this from becoming a reality show is that we have a character with whom the audience has some empathy.
By: GDad on 06/30/2009
at 8:12 AM
I’m not sure whether to laugh, cry or want to strangle the bastard. I think option three is the most immediately appealing – it’d keep him from inflicting his infectious brand of stupidity on anyone else.
By: Servant to the Feline Overlord on 06/30/2009
at 11:18 AM
I once had a problem attending a summer Geology class. But, it was at 7:30AM on Saturday. (In those days, attendance was optional as long as you passed the tests.) I managed a C.
By: Crucis on 06/30/2009
at 11:21 AM
What he needs to learn is that ‘being drunk’ also excuses him from earning a college degree. He can skip all the papers, the classes, and even tuition bills, simply by staying at the parties and not darkening the campus with his inebriated presence….
[Of course, the long-term success of this option depends strongly upon being independently wealthy, and having friends willing to tolerate him...]
By: rethoryke on 06/30/2009
at 2:25 PM
Is flogging out of the question?
By: PA State Cop on 06/30/2009
at 2:44 PM
TOO FREAKIN’ FUNNY!!!!
(Sorry, I couldn’t help myself from shouting)
By: CA on 07/02/2009
at 1:06 AM
Jesus Gawd.
This student’s future includes losing jobs and relationships due to willfully ignorant alcoholism: he/she doesn’t care about the problem, only the party. I know many of these people, and their stories never end well.
By: Miss Kitty on 07/04/2009
at 10:12 AM